The Perfect Church

(January 6, 2007)

Over the past months, I began collecting “models” for the perfect church. Here are some of the models that came to mind.

First Goldilocks Church: A nice older lady contacted us because she was looking for a smaller church with older members. I though, “Our prayers have been answered!” We should be the perfect church for this lady. She attended a couple weeks and never returned. We called and she said we were nice enough, but she was looking for a little larger church than ours. Then it hit me: She was looking for First Goldilocks Church. Not too big, not too small, but j-u-s-t right. Then I got to thinking, maybe a lot of people are looking for this church. Not too liberal, not to conservative, but j-u-s-t right. Choir not too loud, but not too soft. Music not to modern, but not to old. Sermons not to long, but not to short. The problem with the Goldilocks church is what is too hot or too cold for Momma Bear might not be j-u-s-t right for Poppa Bear. And if you ever find First Goldilocks Church, be careful that your demographics do not shift the delicate balance. Once you join, it may not be j-u-s-t right for everyone else.

First Generic Church: I also call this the Schizophrenic Church. It is the church that either does not know who it is, or is attempting to hide its real identity and be something it is not (a virtual dual personality). You can spot them a mile off. They love using “Community Church” and “Non-denominational” in their marketing. It goes something like this, “We are not Episcopal, Methodist, Baptist or Presbyterian. We are GENERIC.” It must be working, because a lot of people are joining First Generic Church. Trouble is, once you dig a bit, you discover these “generic, non-denominational” churches have the same structures in place as mainline denominations. So, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck, right? But I guess if you call it Community Church or Non-Denominational, that must make it something it isn’t. Heck, I am “Episco-Metho-Bap-Terian” and PROUD of it. I am glad I am Methodist, and do not need any makeup to cover my convictions up.

First “Big Box” Church: These are the Mega-churches that move into an area, just like the “big box” stores (Wal-Mart, Ikea, etc) and drive all the smaller business (and churches) out. But that is a small price to pay for one-stop churching! I heard of one the other day that has a Starbucks in the lobby, an ATM machine, a Gold’s 24/7 gym, book store, a dry clearers and a barber shop. That’s right, you can take care of all those routine shopping chores right there at church. What a convenience. I am a little concerned that this “big box” church is running businesses on the Sabbath; but who am I to question a business plan that works?

Now if we can just find a way to combine these three “denominations” we might be on to something. Naw, it would never work, big box is too big for Goldilocks.

From the Quote Garden
“A faith of convenience is a hollow faith.”
~M*A*S*H, Father Mulcahy, "A Holy Mess," 1982